So here I am as a seventeen year old struggling to find a job. My parents are beginning to irk me saying things like, "You need spending money in Boston. If you don't have any, don't call me up asking for money!"
Maybe if Taco Bell and McDonald's stopped hiring every fucking idiot in the world then maybe I'd have a job. Literally I think the "Hiring Manager" looks at every application and finds the dumbest person they could and calls them. And why? Because those morons are so easy to train, they become so mechanical and they just don't give a shit.
And the smart girl, the Scrabble professional, the girl with her head screwed on straight doesn't get a job. I can't wait till the stupid people come to find when looking for job in the corporate world isn't as easy as it was to find a job at Taco Bell as a seventeen year old. And look at me here making the ultimate sacrifice applying to Taco Bell and McDonald's! So I have the greatest opportunity to smell like a Taco Bell or a scrumptious, juicy double cheese burger.
And just because I put my name down on that application I think I deserve the job! But whatever, all of these fast food joints could continue to hire the stupid people and instead in the words of Miranda Priestly, "Hire the smart fat girl."
Even if I turn out to be a "great disappointment." And if I was a disappointment, it's probably because some fat ass asked for two double cheese burgers instead of one. Whatever, I need a fucking job and if not that I need to start being paid to play Scrabble. I'm just complaining, but look at the bright side I'm finally deciding to get my license.
A year ago I started to learn, (Who am I kidding even over a year ago) and I got scared as hell. First off in the passenger seat was my crazed, lunatic Italian mother who yelled at me for driving too slow, not turning into traffic quick enough and because I was "Hogging the Right."
Oh, and "Felt like she was going into the trees." I wasn't even that bad, I was careful and took on the road like a normal teenage girl. But she needs to get me glasses first, I'm squinting like Taylor Swift to see road signs and the chalk board in school. And then my father yelled at me for wanting to work at Subway.
"I don't want you working at Subway," my father said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because some asshole might put a gun in your face," he said as he made the 'gun' gesture with this thumb and pointer finger. "And then ask for all the money!"
"Then I'll just give him the money!" I protested.
He narrowed his eyes, "He just might kill you! They don't care, they might just shoot you and run!"
Okay fine, they might. And then my mother added, "She can work weekends! Tell them she can only work on Saturday and Sunday afternoons."
Wow, slow down nelly. Since when do parents barge into my work place and tell them my schedule with out confronting me first? Jesus Christ, I'm not a five year old. I might be her "Little Baby" but...I can handle my own business/work schedule.
But, my father made an excellent (FA LAY MIN YON) so that was alright. But anyhow, being a Scrabble Dunce I live a very boring, pitiful and insipid life style. This is as good as it gets, FA LAY MIN YON, driving in the front seat with an Italian mother and bad reams. Fuck. My. Life.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Only If It Was Two Percent
I didn't have a fab dream last night unfortunately and I think I know why. Over the past couple of months I've learned that milk enhanced my dream recall, so I spiced it up a bit and had some chocolate milk before bedsies.
I would have had a vividly proportional dream if it wasn't fat free milk, I find the two percent milk does better in the dream recall, however there are a few things I remember. First off, before I fell asleep I kept thinking I was asleep while watching Dawn of The Dead. While watching this movie I thought of how I would survive or not, but since I'm a slow fat ass I'd probably get man-handled by those little fuckers.
Anyway, once I did fall asleep I remember my dream a tiny bit. In my area there are these "Good Ole Tom" commercials that stream on television. You first see this old guy with this queasy smirk and an off-beat cow boy hat, and you just think "What the fuck is this commercial doing on in Connecticut?" He runs a business where you go cash in your "Gold" and "Silver" and he gives you some money in exchange, meaning you're going to get jewed. Sometime I'll bring my cactus knife in there and see how much it's worth.
(A cactus knife is a knife that looks like a cactus and when you shank someone with it all their guts come out. Oh, and Good Ole Tom's Cow Boy hat is a little more classier than Spencer Pratt's.)
So he talks with this really thick accent like he's from Texas or some shit and he happens to be very funny to impersonate. In my dream there was someone hunched over in a chair and they were impersonating this guy with his voice and all, and the impersonation was mint.
It was really good, I don't remember seeing who did it and at first I thought, "Maybe I wasn't dreaming that...I think that actually happened."
But I thought about that again and said to myself, "I have no life and I don't go out on the weekends. Yup, I was definitely dreaming."
So this morning I opened the fridge and the only thing that changed was the TWO PERCENT Gallon of milk in the back of the fridge that my mom bought this morning. And the bagels were on the second shelf and I don't know if my brother noticed I ate half of his raw cookie dough things yet...
And before I ate this morning I told my mother, "You suck at food shopping." She buys every single thing I don't want her to buy. She bought a bag of clementines for $2.69 and a gallon of milk and she'll buy bags of Salad and Asparagus.
What the faak maj? Get me some dunkaroos (they're amazing), bananas and cupcakes or some sheet.
So, Tonight I'll have a full cup of TWO PERCENT Milk with some chocolate syrup and enter the dream land after playing a game of Scrabble. I highly recommend milk, kool-aid, Dairy Queen or Pumpkin Pie before going to sleep to enhance dream recall.
All of my dreams are true, and I'm not even smoking for bed. And surprisingly after mentioning the above, I'm not an obese American.
I would have had a vividly proportional dream if it wasn't fat free milk, I find the two percent milk does better in the dream recall, however there are a few things I remember. First off, before I fell asleep I kept thinking I was asleep while watching Dawn of The Dead. While watching this movie I thought of how I would survive or not, but since I'm a slow fat ass I'd probably get man-handled by those little fuckers.
Anyway, once I did fall asleep I remember my dream a tiny bit. In my area there are these "Good Ole Tom" commercials that stream on television. You first see this old guy with this queasy smirk and an off-beat cow boy hat, and you just think "What the fuck is this commercial doing on in Connecticut?" He runs a business where you go cash in your "Gold" and "Silver" and he gives you some money in exchange, meaning you're going to get jewed. Sometime I'll bring my cactus knife in there and see how much it's worth.
(A cactus knife is a knife that looks like a cactus and when you shank someone with it all their guts come out. Oh, and Good Ole Tom's Cow Boy hat is a little more classier than Spencer Pratt's.)
So he talks with this really thick accent like he's from Texas or some shit and he happens to be very funny to impersonate. In my dream there was someone hunched over in a chair and they were impersonating this guy with his voice and all, and the impersonation was mint.
It was really good, I don't remember seeing who did it and at first I thought, "Maybe I wasn't dreaming that...I think that actually happened."
But I thought about that again and said to myself, "I have no life and I don't go out on the weekends. Yup, I was definitely dreaming."
So this morning I opened the fridge and the only thing that changed was the TWO PERCENT Gallon of milk in the back of the fridge that my mom bought this morning. And the bagels were on the second shelf and I don't know if my brother noticed I ate half of his raw cookie dough things yet...
And before I ate this morning I told my mother, "You suck at food shopping." She buys every single thing I don't want her to buy. She bought a bag of clementines for $2.69 and a gallon of milk and she'll buy bags of Salad and Asparagus.
What the faak maj? Get me some dunkaroos (they're amazing), bananas and cupcakes or some sheet.
So, Tonight I'll have a full cup of TWO PERCENT Milk with some chocolate syrup and enter the dream land after playing a game of Scrabble. I highly recommend milk, kool-aid, Dairy Queen or Pumpkin Pie before going to sleep to enhance dream recall.
All of my dreams are true, and I'm not even smoking for bed. And surprisingly after mentioning the above, I'm not an obese American.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Vividly Out of Order
This dream was pretty intense, I had it last night and it was just really fucked up. It's pretty out of order and I don't remember the entire thing, but..here goes.
It began in school where I was switching my classes. As of right now, I dropped Pre-Calculus and am with out a math credit this time around. I was hanging out in the guidance office talking with my guidance counselor and she's all, "Just drop Chemistry, and pick up AP Statistics."
Fine, whatever even though I'd fail at it and I hated the asshole teacher. The entire time I had this mindset I was going to fail and I remember telling my friends, "No don't worry, it doesn't show up on my transcripts that I dropped Chem, just that I picked up AP Stats."
So I was in the clear and I walked into the classroom full of the dunces in my grade. They were all assholes, and on top of it all I thought the teacher was a whole-hearted asshole. I sat down at my desk next to the teacher's desk, this classroom was my ninth grade World History Classroom and there was a projector and we were going to look at a power point.
And this teacher NEVER fucking did power points when I had him as a teacher, so now he's finally deciding to teach like a proper dunce, go figure after I almost failed his class. So anyway I get called down to guidance, but the dream didn't LEAD to guidance. It lead to me being in the woods and worst of all, the Gosselin family now came into the picture. Don't ask me how, but there was talk about Kate Gosselin's bad haircut and her fucking menace children and be babysitting them.
Don't get me wrong, I love kids! But Maddie and Kara are little bitches and those kids don't have a hold on themselves. So it reminded me of the movie Twilight Saga: New Moon by where we were in the woods, just no slow motion asshole vampires or half-naked Abercrombie Model bad actors.
We were walking through just sort of, babysitting? I don't really remember, it was really fuzzy and just intense and I woke up like what the fuck mees?
Then we were at Universal Studios in Florida. And some background information, every year my Uncle's family and mine would take a trip down to Florida and we looked like a summer camp. And I remember seeing all the old buildings of the park, they were really awesome and this was my all time favorite park. I was dressed the exact same way I was in a little picture of my dad, I was wearing a blue jacket and I had sandals on but I felt like I was only being talked to through my concious. I never actually saw myself, which is a good thing, I just knew what was going on.
And this is where it gets really out of order, there was a fire and all this shit and this old house on fire but we'll get to that later. But I worn you, this shit is going to get out of whack because its just so fucking intense. I remember there was this really old guy, I don't remember his name that well but he was old, he lived in the house that was on fire and he was a real asshole becuase he lit the park on fire.
Me and a couple friends of mine were running down the steps really really fast, jumping down the corridors and the steps had cobwebs and shit, slime, the doors were locked, some where unlocked and I remember turning them slightly as I hurried down the stairs.
Whatever, not important but it's what I remember. And then because we ran down the steps, it pissed this guy off even more and he started lighting the entire park on fire. We reached this room and the Mafia was sitting there, Yes the fucking Mafia and this one guy had a slicked back hair cut and a monkey suit on.
And I remember him saying, "I really feel the heat," he referred to the fire, "I can feel the fishes too."
I was like what the fuck mees? And I sat down next to him, it was an yellow and brown couch that looked like a bunch of shit. And let me tell you, I had no idea what he meant by fishes but there was surely some heat feeling coming up from that couch.
The scene switched again to the Jetsons ride at the park and I remember being told conciously that I was scared and my mom and brother were warning me that maybe I shouldn't go on. But this was one of my favorite rides and when we were at the park last time, some kid puked on this shit or whatever. So the summer camp dual familes booked it to the line but then we realized, "Oh shit, we don't have any tickets!"
So me, my cousin anthony and my brother nick were still waiting in line while the summer camp fam ran to get tickets. I remember they turned the corner with tickets as the ride was loading and they were holding out their tickets and shit and were yelling at us to "GO!" Oh man that part was cool because I remember actually looking into the ride.
But when you wake up, you just realize it's all fake and it sucks because when you can't ride because of gullibility, you want to stab yourself with a cactus knife. So whatever, I never go to know how it felt to ride it again and I haven't rode this ride in years!
All I remember was seeing some scenes from the ride, rocking back and forth and then I woke up again. But i was sort of in and out of sleep and I was over a scrabble board. And I'll admit it, I think I was talking to myself for a couple minutes about my moves.
I remember making the word "Lush" When I shouldn't have off of a triple word score because I still had a Q and a J in my tiles and I didn't want to lose. Because, the Q on Lexulous is 12 points and the J Is 8 points, and if I didn't use them the 20 points would be deducted from me and be given to my partner.
So, what I did was I was hovering over the board and said to myself, "I have room for the Q, I see the I so I could put it there. And I think I'll find a J."
I never knew if I won that game...
When I woke up I played scrabble, and I beat some dunce with the nick 'funkytown3' they sucked, I won. Boohyah.
It began in school where I was switching my classes. As of right now, I dropped Pre-Calculus and am with out a math credit this time around. I was hanging out in the guidance office talking with my guidance counselor and she's all, "Just drop Chemistry, and pick up AP Statistics."
Fine, whatever even though I'd fail at it and I hated the asshole teacher. The entire time I had this mindset I was going to fail and I remember telling my friends, "No don't worry, it doesn't show up on my transcripts that I dropped Chem, just that I picked up AP Stats."
So I was in the clear and I walked into the classroom full of the dunces in my grade. They were all assholes, and on top of it all I thought the teacher was a whole-hearted asshole. I sat down at my desk next to the teacher's desk, this classroom was my ninth grade World History Classroom and there was a projector and we were going to look at a power point.
And this teacher NEVER fucking did power points when I had him as a teacher, so now he's finally deciding to teach like a proper dunce, go figure after I almost failed his class. So anyway I get called down to guidance, but the dream didn't LEAD to guidance. It lead to me being in the woods and worst of all, the Gosselin family now came into the picture. Don't ask me how, but there was talk about Kate Gosselin's bad haircut and her fucking menace children and be babysitting them.
Don't get me wrong, I love kids! But Maddie and Kara are little bitches and those kids don't have a hold on themselves. So it reminded me of the movie Twilight Saga: New Moon by where we were in the woods, just no slow motion asshole vampires or half-naked Abercrombie Model bad actors.
We were walking through just sort of, babysitting? I don't really remember, it was really fuzzy and just intense and I woke up like what the fuck mees?
Then we were at Universal Studios in Florida. And some background information, every year my Uncle's family and mine would take a trip down to Florida and we looked like a summer camp. And I remember seeing all the old buildings of the park, they were really awesome and this was my all time favorite park. I was dressed the exact same way I was in a little picture of my dad, I was wearing a blue jacket and I had sandals on but I felt like I was only being talked to through my concious. I never actually saw myself, which is a good thing, I just knew what was going on.
And this is where it gets really out of order, there was a fire and all this shit and this old house on fire but we'll get to that later. But I worn you, this shit is going to get out of whack because its just so fucking intense. I remember there was this really old guy, I don't remember his name that well but he was old, he lived in the house that was on fire and he was a real asshole becuase he lit the park on fire.
Me and a couple friends of mine were running down the steps really really fast, jumping down the corridors and the steps had cobwebs and shit, slime, the doors were locked, some where unlocked and I remember turning them slightly as I hurried down the stairs.
Whatever, not important but it's what I remember. And then because we ran down the steps, it pissed this guy off even more and he started lighting the entire park on fire. We reached this room and the Mafia was sitting there, Yes the fucking Mafia and this one guy had a slicked back hair cut and a monkey suit on.
And I remember him saying, "I really feel the heat," he referred to the fire, "I can feel the fishes too."
I was like what the fuck mees? And I sat down next to him, it was an yellow and brown couch that looked like a bunch of shit. And let me tell you, I had no idea what he meant by fishes but there was surely some heat feeling coming up from that couch.
The scene switched again to the Jetsons ride at the park and I remember being told conciously that I was scared and my mom and brother were warning me that maybe I shouldn't go on. But this was one of my favorite rides and when we were at the park last time, some kid puked on this shit or whatever. So the summer camp dual familes booked it to the line but then we realized, "Oh shit, we don't have any tickets!"
So me, my cousin anthony and my brother nick were still waiting in line while the summer camp fam ran to get tickets. I remember they turned the corner with tickets as the ride was loading and they were holding out their tickets and shit and were yelling at us to "GO!" Oh man that part was cool because I remember actually looking into the ride.
But when you wake up, you just realize it's all fake and it sucks because when you can't ride because of gullibility, you want to stab yourself with a cactus knife. So whatever, I never go to know how it felt to ride it again and I haven't rode this ride in years!
All I remember was seeing some scenes from the ride, rocking back and forth and then I woke up again. But i was sort of in and out of sleep and I was over a scrabble board. And I'll admit it, I think I was talking to myself for a couple minutes about my moves.
I remember making the word "Lush" When I shouldn't have off of a triple word score because I still had a Q and a J in my tiles and I didn't want to lose. Because, the Q on Lexulous is 12 points and the J Is 8 points, and if I didn't use them the 20 points would be deducted from me and be given to my partner.
So, what I did was I was hovering over the board and said to myself, "I have room for the Q, I see the I so I could put it there. And I think I'll find a J."
I never knew if I won that game...
When I woke up I played scrabble, and I beat some dunce with the nick 'funkytown3' they sucked, I won. Boohyah.
Vivid Altered States..
I have an unusual tendency to recall dreams more than anyone I have ever met. Let's begin with one I had a few months ago, an adventure within my altered state by yours truly, The Scrabble Dunce.
It begun at a mall with my cousin in Boston. I believe we were at a 'uni' just doing the usual, walking and conversing peacefully. Then the scene switched after Taylor got lost and I could not find her and before I knew it I was in Poland. Yes, I was in Poland in my dream.
It then began with walking with a friend of mine I met via Scrabble. I know, insane but these are the types of things that occur with being a scrabble addict. You start dreaming about those you scrabble with.
We were just walking and there were these men in red masks throwing rocks at us, given they were Polish natives and we were tourists they hated us immediately. So, we kept walking past more men in Red Masks that were guards I assume and into this big hostel area and in the back there were kids our age in orange suits. There were two sides, and I'm not sure what these sides meant but when I got to one I was no longer with the person I was originally walking with.
At this point I was going nuts because I was in Poland being treated like shit, and I was alone with some Pollock's throwing rocks at me. So whatever, I kept walking and I was looking for my friend and this is when it got a little fuzzy. All I remember was now once I found her we were taken to this room, however, we were only outside the room and noticed that there was a sign on the door that said "Morgue." So whatever, at this point I was again pretty scared because there were dead people in freezers and shit, and that's pretty disgusting.
So I was just chilling in a separate room away from the morgue and from the people in orange suits. A hefty women with a light in her hand approached my room, she lead me down the hallway in front of the morgue and she knocked.
I remember saying, "Am I going to die?"
She shrugged and the door opened. A man was in there who ran the morgue, he was pretty sketchy and wore disgusting clothes and his 'apartment morgue' 'duplex morgue' shit hole looked like it belonged to my sister.
So, I'm observing this little morgue. There's a morgue part of it and there's a kitchen area and a really shitty bathroom like that kind you saw in the first Saw movie. Really shitty, I know.
Now there's more people in the room, one person being my scrabble friend. And the guy sat us down for dinner, and this entire time I was all, "Am I going to die?"
I'm eating the dinner now, and I'm observing it and I was saying to myself, "There's no fucking way this is animal."
It was human food, I'm sure. So the morgue director was a cannibal, wanted to kill me and abducted my scrabble friend all in fucking Poland. So just when I thought this bull shit could get any worse, or he'd bring out his cactus knife to shank me and eat me, I walked into the bathroom and got a better look. I looked at it probably for a second and got called back into the 'dining place' where I kept insisting I wasn't hungry.
I was standing there observing the morgue guy talk with the hefty woman again and my scrabble friend was with me standing next to me. Now keep in mind, I never found my cousin so I was like shit, well as long as I'm not going to die now. Selfish I know, but...I really thought I was doomed.
And then I woke up.
(This dream really happened.)
It begun at a mall with my cousin in Boston. I believe we were at a 'uni' just doing the usual, walking and conversing peacefully. Then the scene switched after Taylor got lost and I could not find her and before I knew it I was in Poland. Yes, I was in Poland in my dream.
It then began with walking with a friend of mine I met via Scrabble. I know, insane but these are the types of things that occur with being a scrabble addict. You start dreaming about those you scrabble with.
We were just walking and there were these men in red masks throwing rocks at us, given they were Polish natives and we were tourists they hated us immediately. So, we kept walking past more men in Red Masks that were guards I assume and into this big hostel area and in the back there were kids our age in orange suits. There were two sides, and I'm not sure what these sides meant but when I got to one I was no longer with the person I was originally walking with.
At this point I was going nuts because I was in Poland being treated like shit, and I was alone with some Pollock's throwing rocks at me. So whatever, I kept walking and I was looking for my friend and this is when it got a little fuzzy. All I remember was now once I found her we were taken to this room, however, we were only outside the room and noticed that there was a sign on the door that said "Morgue." So whatever, at this point I was again pretty scared because there were dead people in freezers and shit, and that's pretty disgusting.
So I was just chilling in a separate room away from the morgue and from the people in orange suits. A hefty women with a light in her hand approached my room, she lead me down the hallway in front of the morgue and she knocked.
I remember saying, "Am I going to die?"
She shrugged and the door opened. A man was in there who ran the morgue, he was pretty sketchy and wore disgusting clothes and his 'apartment morgue' 'duplex morgue' shit hole looked like it belonged to my sister.
So, I'm observing this little morgue. There's a morgue part of it and there's a kitchen area and a really shitty bathroom like that kind you saw in the first Saw movie. Really shitty, I know.
Now there's more people in the room, one person being my scrabble friend. And the guy sat us down for dinner, and this entire time I was all, "Am I going to die?"
I'm eating the dinner now, and I'm observing it and I was saying to myself, "There's no fucking way this is animal."
It was human food, I'm sure. So the morgue director was a cannibal, wanted to kill me and abducted my scrabble friend all in fucking Poland. So just when I thought this bull shit could get any worse, or he'd bring out his cactus knife to shank me and eat me, I walked into the bathroom and got a better look. I looked at it probably for a second and got called back into the 'dining place' where I kept insisting I wasn't hungry.
I was standing there observing the morgue guy talk with the hefty woman again and my scrabble friend was with me standing next to me. Now keep in mind, I never found my cousin so I was like shit, well as long as I'm not going to die now. Selfish I know, but...I really thought I was doomed.
And then I woke up.
(This dream really happened.)
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