Only If It Was Two Percent

I didn't have a fab dream last night unfortunately and I think I know why. Over the past couple of months I've learned that milk enhanced my dream recall, so I spiced it up a bit and had some chocolate milk before bedsies.

I would have had a vividly proportional dream if it wasn't fat free milk, I find the two percent milk does better in the dream recall, however there are a few things I remember. First off, before I fell asleep I kept thinking I was asleep while watching Dawn of The Dead. While watching this movie I thought of how I would survive or not, but since I'm a slow fat ass I'd probably get man-handled by those little fuckers.

Anyway, once I did fall asleep I remember my dream a tiny bit. In my area there are these "Good Ole Tom" commercials that stream on television. You first see this old guy with this queasy smirk and an off-beat cow boy hat, and you just think "What the fuck is this commercial doing on in Connecticut?" He runs a business where you go cash in your "Gold" and "Silver" and he gives you some money in exchange, meaning you're going to get jewed. Sometime I'll bring my cactus knife in there and see how much it's worth.

(A cactus knife is a knife that looks like a cactus and when you shank someone with it all their guts come out. Oh, and Good Ole Tom's Cow Boy hat is a little more classier than Spencer Pratt's.)

So he talks with this really thick accent like he's from Texas or some shit and he happens to be very funny to impersonate. In my dream there was someone hunched over in a chair and they were impersonating this guy with his voice and all, and the impersonation was mint.

It was really good, I don't remember seeing who did it and at first I thought, "Maybe I wasn't dreaming that...I think that actually happened."

But I thought about that again and said to myself, "I have no life and I don't go out on the weekends. Yup, I was definitely dreaming."

So this morning I opened the fridge and the only thing that changed was the TWO PERCENT Gallon of milk in the back of the fridge that my mom bought this morning. And the bagels were on the second shelf and I don't know if my brother noticed I ate half of his raw cookie dough things yet...

And before I ate this morning I told my mother, "You suck at food shopping." She buys every single thing I don't want her to buy. She bought a bag of clementines for $2.69 and a gallon of milk and she'll buy bags of Salad and Asparagus.

What the faak maj? Get me some dunkaroos (they're amazing), bananas and cupcakes or some sheet.

So, Tonight I'll have a full cup of TWO PERCENT Milk with some chocolate syrup and enter the dream land after playing a game of Scrabble. I highly recommend milk, kool-aid, Dairy Queen or Pumpkin Pie before going to sleep to enhance dream recall.

All of my dreams are true, and I'm not even smoking for bed. And surprisingly after mentioning the above, I'm not an obese American.